I didn’t mean to show my heart to the world. Under any normal circumstance, that would’ve never crossed my mind, and I surely would’ve reasoned it as absurd. But you have to know, there was nothing normal about that moment in my life. To bridge more gaps—you should know the role of your dismissal. I thought I showed you enough of myself to at least trust me when I say, I need help. I know you’re a man riddled by fear, but what’s fear to the cracking of your world?

Like you, I planned for detachment and a future of unknown lovers. But then, I learned something—many things, in fact.

I know it seems like I’ve used God’s name as a weapon of manipulation. I won’t fight your beliefs. But I do hope you’re graced with nothing but the truth—& fast. And maybe you are, and just choosing this fate. If that is the case, then you are a failure in my eyes, and I will kindly ask you to please stop reading.

Moving along.
I’ve come to realize you’re a very confused man. You seduce yourself with stress and you think avoidance is a coping mechanism. I won’t fault you for your traumas. I know what time has done to you. But you should also know, you’re not very good with boundaries. You trust when you should discern, and discern when you should feel. You push when you want to pull, and you always spill the truth—regardless of what your mouth says. My advice: just be honest with yourself. You’ll save a lot more energy that way.

I can’t look at you the same anymore. Yes, the love is unwavering, but I find you quite disappointing. Not for the major lie you dropped on that zoom call, but for the abandonment. I can understand how your priorities changed that year. Of course I calculated all the ways in which the chips were stacked against you. However, I still know that deep down, you knew the complete and God-honest truth. It was written all over my life that day and you fucked up. I saw the immediate regret in your eyes, but that didn’t soften the blow I took to the chest.

I just hope you know that when it’s all said and done, no one cares if you fumble your life. They’ll flex with you for the time being, but in the end everyone chooses themselves. In the end, they’re all cowards, begging for a piece of goodness again. What will you be left with? 

As for myself? I’m choosing to love in the dark. I’ll admit, it’s not easy, but my devotion is to the creator of my soul, first. This is my conviction. This is where you meet me for freedom. Other than that, I have nothing else for you.

Yet I will say this: I’m sorry that it’s you. Truly I am. If I could spare you from a lifetime of restlessness, I would. I hope you know this.

But as for you? You can continue to justify our misery by yourself. Still, I will forever pray for your peace. 

These are just some things I thought you should know.

Tam Out.

—In the Morning x Nao